Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
