Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
