Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
be right there i have to get my cape
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
