You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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