my vag is so smooth its legendary
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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