her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
