do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
