I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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