I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
