Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
