I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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