Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
