I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I want a musical about memes.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
