I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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