and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Randomize
