Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
