Just mADE A PArabola og urine
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
