your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
