Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
