New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Semen is not good for contacts.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
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