He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
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If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
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We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity