Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize