You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
