im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
