Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
