Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
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she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
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you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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