The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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