I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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