his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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