I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
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Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
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i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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