Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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