How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
