You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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