my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
