You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I queefed so loud it echoed.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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