"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
