Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
