I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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