Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
