So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
