They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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