Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
