I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
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I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
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The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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