U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
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He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
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The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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