Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
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