I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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