like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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