morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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