When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
