Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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