Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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