I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
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At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
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We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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