"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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